My Heart Lays Bair Before You: An Alternative Control Valentine’s Day Special

Editor’s Note: In the spirit of Valentine’s Day, Alternative Control writers attempted to compile a list of the hottest dudes in local and national metal.  We soon realized that this was an impossible task because the list would be way too long to publish — but Ryan Bair heartily volunteered to put together our initial thoughts.  Grab a bottle of lube and enjoy!

Hotness. A relative topic, with infinite perspectives deciding between asinine and logical. For instance, a short, wiry, hairy dude who never showers or washes his vintage clothes might turn you off. But The Phenomenal Jesse Styles, avid scene supporter and hula hooper, thinks that singer, film director, and Connecticut resident Rob Zombie is the hottest guy in metal. Initially, her choice came by force, considering that Alternative Control wouldn’t allow her to pick her boyfriend, a hot guy in metal in his own right. But she went on to say that Zombie’s hair (and beard…) was a deal-breaker, and that the hotness of his wife went into the decision. Style can overcome substance in the realm of what’s hot.

Lisa Vegetarian, also deprived of an opportunity to elect her husband despite his being a hot guy in metal, went with Phil Anselmo. In her own words: “Phil with long hair, Phil with short hair, Phil with a shaved head, Phil with or without a beard, etcetera.” This suggests that, despite Phil’s well-publicized run-ins with substance abuse, he’s quite the catch. In his varying stages of fitness, from jacked-to-hell muscular to borderline-obese, he’s attractive in any incarnation.

And our final bit of female input comes from Jessie May, another lucky lady who’s married to a hot metal dude.  Some of her hotness parameters include hairiness, bad-ass-ness, and musicianship.  Acknowledging that her husband, a bearded and virtuosic bad-ass, would always be Number One in her heart, Jessie admitted that the entire Canadian thrash band Barn Burner came in at a close second.  Then she forced me to watch the video below, saying, “I’m too old to lick ketchup off their faces, but I still want to ride in their van.”  (Apparently, what Barn Burner lacks in relative facial hair is made up for in hipster tattoos and drumming in the ocean.)

As a heterosexual man, I’d probably go with a young Dave Mustaine as hottest guy in metal, because he was an awfully pretty lady. Were I a hunter of cougars, I would have gone with the legendary Ronnie James Dio, because he looked, dressed, and danced something like a grandma. But if I actually wanted to get laid, I’d have to hope that I was Rob Halford’s type, because out of everyone on this list, he’s the one who might spend a night with me.

There’s also what I like to call the Talent Fuck. When somebody’s so good at what they do that regardless of how they look, you’re all-in on that ass. Somebody like Freddie Mercury, whose work is undeniably epic if not purely metal, belongs in this category. He was… how to say, not much of a looker. But he got more ass than a toilet seat, and rightly so.

My official choice, however, is the late Pete Steele, the strapping bassist/vocalist of Type O Negative. Some would say that his absurdly large, pale Frankenstein frame would be terrifying. He stood a daunting 6’ 8”, which would deter most women of a reasonable height. But the depths of his crooning, the sultry themes and goth presentation of many of his songs, and his affinity for consuming enough red wine to kill an elephant, all very romantic. His chiseled jaw and piercing blue eyes (among other things) made their way to Playgirl, which means some women (but mostly dudes who dig dudes) paid to see him naked. And he’s easily the only guy on the list who could conceivably be the big spoon; cuddling’s very important to hotness.

No Remission and Lyra bassist Johhny Pluckman put forth a system by which to gauge the hotness of a guy in metal, and I concur. He calls it the Lemmy Scale, named after hideous Motorhead frontman Lemmy Kilmeister. He suggests that Lemmy is a 1 on that 1-10 scale, so how hot is the guy we discuss in comparison? He offered that Rob Zombie is a 7.5 on the Lemmy Scale. I’d give my choice of Pete Steele an 8, to stand by my man.  (What would Jessie May give Lemmy on the Lemmy Scale, being that he’s a hairy bad-ass?)

Unfortunately, my opinion may not carry the weight or legitimacy that you’re looking for in this article. If you have any serious questions or concerns regarding the hotness of guys in metal, the experts on the subject are the gentlemen in Ansonia’s Lightsbane. They are easily the most reliable source on the topic, and very approachable… Please don’t hesitate to ask them.