Super Bowl Snacks, Part VIII: Alcohol and Frozen Food Pairings From Across the Globe

tgi fridays jalapeno poppers


No other American sporting event brings people together like the Super Bowl.  Whether it’s to cheer for a favorite team, root against a hated player (Kapaernick!), or just to eat food and watch the commercials, we gather collectively and tune in.  In the spirit of unity, Alternative Control has prepared a multicultural Super Bowl party menu that will impress even the most discriminating reveler.

edamame and sakeCourse 1: Asian Elegance

Food: Edamame

For less than three dollars, astonish guests with a large bag of frozen soybeans; boil five minutes, drain, salt, and serve.  To create an authentic “down-home barroom” atmosphere, invite partygoers to throw pods on the floor as if they were peanut shells.

Alcohol Pairing: Gekkeikan sake

This fine table sake costs about thirteen bucks for a mag.  Serve chilled or hot – tastes like lighter fluid either way!  Hopefully, guests will be too busy sucking soybeans out of their pods to notice.

Course 2: South of the Border

Food: T.G.I Friday’s Jalapeno Poppers

Make sure to get the cream cheese flavor – cheddar is bush league.  Stop and Shop usually has the cream cheese ones, but Shop-Rite never does.

tgi fridays jalapeno poppers

Alcohol Pairing: Javelina tequila

On a scale of one to ten, Javelina is sure to bring your hangover to calling-out-of-work-and-puking-in-a-wastebasket.  Don’t worry about limes and salt, because that’s for pussies.  So is working the day after the Super Bowl.

Course 3: Little Wieners are German, Right?

Food: Trader Joe’s Parmesan Pastry Pups

Are you too lazy to roll crescent dough around tiny hot dogs?  Then this is the appetizer for you!  Buttery and delicious, these pups probably come out better than your burnt little wieners anyway.  Serve with ketchup, mustard, hot sauce, and/or ranch dressing.  Remember, you dipped things in ranch before it was cool.

Alcohol Pairing: Sam Adams Cold Snap

Fuck you, Nazis! ‘Merica!

miller high life, hummus, and wheat thins
Nothing but class.

Course 4: If You Don’t Watch the Super Bowl, the Terrorists Win

Food: Hummus and Crackers

The only item on our menu that doesn’t start off frozen, exotic-sounding hummus flavors make a unique revision to the standard crackers and dip.  Try Sabra’s Olive Tapenade or Tuscan Garden varieties – guests will think you know something they don’t.

Alcohol Pairing: Miller High Life

Is it wrong to have “hummus” and “terrorists” in the same section of this column?  Will this generate hateful comments that accuse this blog of racism?  Probably, but what our more intelligent readers realize is that by being racist and crass, we’re actually commenting on how bad it is to be racist and crass.  It’s pretty meta — those who don’t get it should just assume that we’re living the Low Life over here at Alternative Control, pile a little more chickpea spread on their Wheat Thins, and enjoy the game!

What are you bringing to the Super Bowl party?


  1. These flavor pairings are all wrong. Plus, this looks like stuff you can either buy in a grocery store or a regular liquor store. What’s up with that? Where are the artisinal ingredients? The small batch liquors? The hydrocolloid enhanced sauces? Wait. Unless this is ironic. Is this ironic? Christ. Hipsterism is so, so tough sometimes.

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